I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
