Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
