I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
