She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
