I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
