Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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