Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
