walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize