if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
