some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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