Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
