There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
