i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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