just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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