Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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