i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
