you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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