Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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