ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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