Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
