You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
