I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
