his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
