I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
