You smell like a Billy Joel song
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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