I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were trust falling into bushes
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
