Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
