So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
