i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
