youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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