oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
