I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
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It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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