Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
