This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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