Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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