So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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