Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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