and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
