Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
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That's how twitter works, right?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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