apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
