I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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