1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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