Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
