How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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