: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
