Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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