Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
