Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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