yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
