Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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