I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
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He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
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Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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