Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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