listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
