I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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