Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
