get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
